and so it seems

I noe i should be feeling incredibly happie to hv a bf dat i luv and adore and admire and ...the works. And i noe compared to some other ppl, i'm considered pretty lucky. He's here, i can be with him, hold hands with him, dance with him, kiss him ....the works. But sumtimes...it kinda feels as if it's not enuf. Like...ok, wen u're constantly thinking of a person, u kinda want to let the person knoe dat u're thinking about he/she rite?

so, for instance, ur gf loves orchids, when u see orchids at the florist u go...oooh! she'll love dat (I hope!), and then u'll want to text her cos u want her to knoe how much u love her. but why is it dat some guys don't?

mine says he's afraid. afraid dat it mite hv been a bad day for me and he reckons it wld be unwise. but honestly, if i'm having a bad day...all i want is a hug. i mite not be so forthcoming when i see u or talk to u but inside all i'm thinking is to be cuddled and protected and comforted.

his other reason is 'do u noe how bad u sound when u're havin a bad day?'

honestly? no. i can't reali see outside the box and a million things are running thru my head simultaneously, making speech absolutely incoherent and the swirling emotions in me unidentified. Hence, confusion. Confusion indeed. and wif coinfusion comes vulnerablity, and wif vulnerability up goes the defence system. so u start goin, dun touch me. u're a dick. fuck this, i dun need to deal with this shit.

not dat i say any of those words but i can't deny dat it's sumtimes running thru my brain. having said dat, again, my deepest desire is still to be comforted. am i makin sense?

i noe, most of the time ppl wld jus say, why dun u tell him? it's jus dat...these things...i dun think needs to be said. reali, they're all tokenistic and it's up to the person to interpret...and sometimes, certain things r jus not interpreted well enuf.

in any case, at the end of it all, u noe ur other half loves u, u noe he/she thinks about it, u noe all dat, it's just the current and itsy bitsy things dat u're frustrated with. but whether or not it's an issue/prob, i guess it's up to u...as for me? it's too early to tell. my frustrations hv been building but...it's not yet a mountain...nor is it a hill.

greatla...now i need to talk to mun to clarify...for have manage to become confused in the midst of these ridiculous ramblings